Dear Friends,
A few years ago, I was working on my communication skills in situations of interpersonal conflict. A friend recommended the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. One skill addressed in the book is avoiding the "Fool's Choice," a fallacy in which a person in a conflict situation believes they have only two options, to speak their mind in a way that damages the relationship, or to stay quiet, keeping the peace at the expense of a satisfactory resolution to the conflict. Accepting the Fool's Choice generally leads to explosions, either right away, if a person chooses the first option, or at a later time, if a person keeps trying the second option until they feel they can no longer stand it and eventually chooses the first option after all. I found this fallacy embarrassingly relatable. Reading the book, I was reminded of all the times in my life that I have told myself a conflict situation had reached the point where blowing up, or at least saying something that might blow up the relationship, was my only option.
The solution to the Fool's Choice is to refuse to allow your brain to default under stress to this false binary. Instead, take some time to name (to yourself) what you want - for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. Also take some time to name what you don't want - for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. Then, the key is to bring these two things together, considering how you might be able to get what you want AND avoid what you don't want. This makes me think of Paul's words in Romans 12:21, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." It is never necessary to do evil because someone else is (or seems to be) doing something evil. You can always do something good instead. This doesn't mean it is always possible to reach a desirable outcome in every conflict. Sometimes relationships will be broken. Sometimes, you will never get what you wanted from another person. But, there is always a better choice than blowing up or behaving badly. Stopping and praying about the three steps above is a good place to start.
Here is my prayer for myself. You can pray it with me if you ever find yourself buying into the Fool's Choice.
Jesus, help me when I am upset to slow down and reflect. Help me not to feel that I need to respond right away or to buy into the Fool's Choice. Help me instead to stop and turn to you for peace and for guidance. Show me what you want in the situation. And show me how to do and say something good even when when what others say and do seems evil to me. Amen.
Love in Christ Always,
Michelle
